Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy? Caught in a landslide, no escape from reality. Open your eyes, look up to the skies and see
[enter piano]
I like these quiet, productive evenings where I just let my mind wander and cruise steadily with no particular concern in mind. I’m nearing the end of Rhoads Murphy’s A History of Asia, which has been a fantastic read. I can also say the same thing about R. Constantino’s A Past Revisited despite the heavier content.
The written exams are coming up in less than a weeks time, and I’m just doing some “clean-up” reading, just filling in on issues I haven’t covered or events that I haven’t formed concrete opinions on. I was very much on edge when I took the same exam last year, and that was probably because I went through the first two in the series right before taking it. This year I’ve had a lot of time to do some relaxed reading, and it’s not much different from swimming a relaxed, steady pace. You can go on for a long time without feeling tired.
Nothing is at all certain about my plans for the future, but for some reason I find myself in this mode of invincibility–like I can go through my tasks and goals with impunity, an unstoppable force. Inside my chest I feel this strong rhythm beating out the path before me, a steady gong powered by an endless fission of good things: hope, cherished epiphanies, treasured knowledge. I remember having this kind of perspective the year before, interrupted by that terrible summer filled with overwhelming heat, dissolution, despair, self-doubt and bad vibes. That was a tough one, and while I’m glad I’m finally back in the game, it’s really hard not to laugh at that past self who dealt with all those things rather poorly. Ang hina naman nung taong yun, I smirk smugly.
Smugness. Now that I’ve finally gotten out of that rut and see things (more like making things) go my way again, there’s that inevitable feeling of smugness and superiority that comes with the “invincible” mode of thinking. I bet the individuals who had woke up in the Matrix had that same smug feeling, seeing the rest of humanity trapped in digital chains–that must be the reason why they dress up in screaming black leather instead of making an effort to blend in with the rest of the sleepers; they make themselves obvious targets for the Agents. People who have awakened feel so invincible they think they can take on the world. And for the most part, it does feel like that. I’m not a big fan of the high-nosed part but I’m really liking the invincibility.
And I get surprised with how differently I react to situations these days. I’m normally a creature of compromise or a bystander, doing typical Pinoy behavior of preserving the status-quo, avoiding conflict, giving way even when it isn’t right. Not that I’ve turned war freak or anything. I’m still rather inclined to giving way–yesterday I got into an argument with some guy at the mall, and I was willing to give up what he was after, but not after pointing out to him that his reasoning wasn’t valid–which he conceded to.
I guess I’ll have to attribute this renewed perspective on the 30-day project my life coach assigned to me two weeks ago. The assignment requires me to do one action per day that would benefit someone other that myself. And for the past week, I really had to go out of the way, out of my established routine to accomplish that. I went out to buy my brother toys, I saw a friend I hadn’t seen in awhile, I emailed my sister in Boston, and all sorts of other actions that I wouldn’t have done if not for assignment. (Most of which had, curiously, led to interesting situations and contact with interesting people.)
I don’t know if it’s proper to try and lay down the particular point the 30-day assignment is trying make on me while the 30 days aren’t over yet. For the most part I believe in the Zen principle of keeping learnings undefined–being able to describe the lesson point by point defeats the essence of it, and is besides, not the point.
But what I think the lesson is teaching me has got me thinking about concepts, particularly for the Greek word techne. The woodcarver shapes the wood, but the wood at the same time is sculpting him. One acts on the world as much as the other way around. A lot of people (including myself) are often trapped in the idea that the relationship is one-way, that they’re on the receiving end of the forces of the world–which leads to what Berns calls ‘victim mode’, or the belief that one is a pawn of fate, or destiny, or events and circumstances one feels is external to himself. It’s so easy to fall into that trap, and realizing otherwise once is no guarantee that one cannot get caught in the Matrix once again. How help(hope)less one feels in such a state!
Most people interpret it as an admittance to sloth and a predisposition to somnolence but the handle tuloglagi is meant to be an expression of that need to awaken, because it’s so easy to take fantasy and nightmares for the real thing. They say the only way you can control your dreams is to realize that you’re sleeping in the first place–which means you should never stop asking yourself whether all this is a dream or not.
I feel so invulnerable knowing that anything is possible–that I could make anything possible. That there are toys and books to collect, exams to take, people to connect with, tasks to finish, dreams to fulfill. And as I take on all these things I am given the opportunity to hone this mind and this body to perfection, to achieve the ideal.
My heart beats the path, powered by fission, the infinite sun. I can relate with James Gurney’s Tyrannosaur: It makes its own road.
